May 11th 2020
1,395,027 US Total Cases
82,555 US Total Deaths
4,312,716 Global Total Cases
290,945 Global Total Deaths
It’s days like today when I feel as if my anxiety is ravaging all that I am, engulfing me whole. The shackles that have weighed me down and suffocated me my entire life, I must learn to let them go. Accepting You as my Lord and Savior, I know you’re a chain breaker, you can do anything, you are purely perfect. I am the sinful one, unable to release the chains that you have already broken on my behalf. I pray that you teach me to let them go, leave them behind and never look back again. Set me free from the bondage of this flesh. Some days it’s too painful to live in this shell on this temporary home. Now you have opened my eyes. Allowing me to see through your eyes and your heart has enabled me to feel the grief and sorrow as I witness the destruction and chaos that ensues around me. All for what? For idolatry, power, fame, beauty, greed, wealth, vanity, temptation, luxury, lust, convenience, apathy, comfort, sin. Everything you taught us not to be, we have become.
We are the new Babylon. Oh how far we have fallen from you my Lord. Oh how much anguish my soul feels and pain my heart endures. But I prayed for this, I prayed continuously for you to fill me with more of you, allow me to see and feel through you, allow you to see and feel through me, to make me your home, make me your temple, empty me out and fill this hallowed vessel with all of you. I never knew the heartache and grief that would come from seeing your creation today as you do. We have fallen so far away from you, turned against every teaching you gave us, threw aside The Word you left for us. We chose to become our own gods, we chose to empty our minds rather than fill them with you, our hearts became cold, our words became venom, we extinguished the fire that used to burn within – the helper you sent to us. The holy spirit, we silenced him. We can no longer hear you because we choose not to listen to you. We are a world of self worship, self validation, self gratification, self preservation. Idolatry to its fullest. Oh what have we become my Abba?
My eyes are open and I feel like a stranger in a place I do not belong, not of this world. It’s days like today, those chains weigh me to the ground. And through all the grief I am wrapped in, the only thing constant, true, unchangeable is you. It’s days like today I close my eyes and confide completely in you. And some days when my mind is able to let the chains fall away, you transcend me to a secret place. In this secret place I find you my Father, the greatest comforter I have ever known. And in some of those intimate moments, it’s as if I can feel you wrapping this temporal body in the infinite perfect peace that you are my Shiloh. I sit with you and thank you for being the closest friend I have ever known. You died so that I may live. And now I live in you, with you, learning to be like you, beside you.
To have spent my entire life searching for you before I even knew you, to finally find you, feel you, know you and draw deeper into your well has been the greatest accomplishment of my life. It’s days like today when I thank you for allowing me to feel the pain, sorrow, heartache. In order to know you deeper, I must learn about all of you fully. Then I meet you in our secret place and you provide me with what is necessary to make it through the day. And that is all I need to make it through in this temporary home.
“Whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” -John 4:14